Paro-spam
As a momentary pause from the usually serious flavour of my writings, I decided to see what would happen if I applied my disdain for Macquarie bank to ‘appeal to moral conscience’ type spam and throw in a good measure of satire. Here’s the garbage a 20 minute span of boredom produces, a parody spam of sorts:
***
Greetings,
I know you will be surprised to read a letter from me but please consider this as a request from a man in dire need of assistance. I am Mr. Paul Waterstone, from BancSwiss AG Melbourne branch. I am writing to you from a lockdown zone inside a secure reserved area (SRA) in the ASX building. I got your contact details while browsing through the web site of our investment bank.
The totalitarian CEO of Macquarie Bank, Alan Moss, demanded that the wealthy merchant bankers in Australia should either financially support his brutal and dictatorial regime, or surrender their American Express Centurion cards and flee the country. The bankers who refuted this order were made to watch as their Zegna suits were tortured, and were then chased into cubicle-monkey roles or were securitized into a Macquarie investment vehicle and subseqently on-sold to oblivious investors. My personal assistant happened to be one of the victims; her office was invaded, the CEO’s loyalists looted our corporate stationery and burnt down my Bentley Continental GT. In the process of trying to defend the coffee machine, my assistant was taken captive together with six other employees. They are likely to be broken up, with Macquarie retaining their useful appendages and the rest floated in an IPO.
After the above were abducted, the lives of the those remaining were in grave danger: and with the assistance of Australian Securities and Investments Commission agents, we were able to escape Macquarie’s twisted Human Resources mercenaries, and a few of us and our families were able to flee to the highly fortified SRA as refugees. Before escaping from my office, my accountant came along with a deposit agreement of US$20 Million (twenty million United States dollars) and evidence of Macquarie putting people over the Chinese wall from our inside man, which I deposited in the fire safe before fleeing.
The fire safe is presently in territory now controlled by one of Alan Moss’ front companies: Macquarie Office Trust. Due to risk of being captured and forced into a cut-throat corporate culture, I, nor any of my fellow refugees can attempt to go back to recover the contents of the safe.
I have been advised to seek and negotiate for a reliable university student who could assist me in recovering my deposit agreement and the evidence so as to bring an end to the reign of this terrible dark force.
I am therefore humbly asking for your assistance to help me to claim these funds and also transfer it to any of your accounts you may wish overseas by acting as the trustee of the funds – this will prevent Macquarie from investing it is the morally bankrupt ALPS 3 fund or adding it to its world-domination war chest. 25% of the funds shall be credited to you for your assistance and for risking your dignity and livelihood by getting a graduate position to infiltrate Macquarie and get to said fire safe. Another 5% and automatic promotion to a second round job interview will also be set aside as recompense for all the demoralizing encounters you will have with soulless HR representatives that will arise during the infiltration/recruitment part of the recovery mission. If you may wish to accept this joint venture, please contact me immediately.
On behalf of myself and fellow refugees, I thank you for your consideration.
Best regards,
P. X. Waterstone
Swissbanc AG
(This blog will return to normality next entry.)
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